Impossible
by Karinne
Summary: Bella has a horrible nightmare about Edward, and then, the next day, he comes back...


PREFACE

I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't be in the mood to laugh anymore. _The bathroom_. Those words keep swirling in my head. I couldn't count the things that went through my mind after reading this, so many things picturing Charlie or one of my friends… Anything but this. He told me once it was impossible to do this, well almost impossible actually.

My scream should've certainly terrified Jacob who was waiting for me outside, in front of the house ; he didn't even have time to go upstairs, I was already running down to the front yard of my house. Anything but this. My mind had been a total blur for months because he left but on the other hand, I knew I couldn't stand this. It should've been me, this was my place, not his; I still can't speak or think properly.

I don't want to be in that world anymore, I'll write something, be selfish and go. There was no other way.

CHAPTER 1

_Bella, I don't want you to come with me_. That night was a new moon, when he told me this. I never tried to give a good impression to others, I just couldn't. It wasn't as if he killed me because I wanted him to kill me in a way, I wanted him to take my soul and make me his; what I felt right now was above every suffering a human can endure. He didn't give me as much credit as he should have: even if I was only human, I felt and was still feeling some kind of supernatural love and passion for him. I'd never thought I'd experience something like this at seventeen but it happened. It happened that I wanted to leave everything, I wanted to give my all just for his sake, just to be with him for eternity. Time was passing but nothing changed, his face, his eyes, his sweet voice… Sometimes, it was overwhelming, my heart was racing and tears filled my eyes and I began to hyperventilate. It was something I never told anybody, not even Jacob, but this feeling like I was going to die was good because I could hear his voice so clearly, as if he was right there next to me. Hyperventilating was something that happened when I was all alone, especially at night, when I couldn't find sleep – and it happened almost every night – my breath speeds up and then, I feel the horrible pain in my lungs. I know it's mental, it's psychological, I know it and I can only find a way to calm down: I have to think about the lullaby. That beautiful melody he used to sing to me before sleeping, as if I was a child, is able to calm my hyperventilation and helps me sleep.

I often thought about looking for him, or try to look for him, but he could be anywhere now… Maybe in the US, maybe in Brazil or in England, no way to know where he was, no way to know either if he was fine. That sounded stupid but sometimes, I had the feeling he'd never existed, just like he wanted it – _It will be as if I'd never existed_ – because no one around me reminded me of him, no one at school had ever wanted to know more about him except me. I was the only one who had seen beyond the perfect and angelic face. At the beginning, I think Mike took the opportunity he has gone and that disgusted and annoyed me to death; couldn't he understand love? But then, I locked myself up into this kind of shell I built and he let go and now is with Jessica.

Tonight, I definitely didn't want to sleep. It's been almost 5 months he left – I couldn't even say his name in my mind, he was just "he" – and there was a place that was really pleasant to think about though: the meadow. I wasn't sure I could find it by myself, but I had to try or I was going to spend the evening hyperventilating ; I went to my desk and moved the mouse a little to turn on the screen of my laptop. I looked for Forks on a map and found what I was looking for after several minutes checking the roads and the forest. That was it. I printed the map, took a compass that was somewhere among old books, took my keys and stopped. How on earth was I going to go out without awaking Charlie?? I took a deep breath and opened my window; I studied the height and winced. It was definitely too high – and I had so much bad luck that I was going to break my ankle or my wrist. I had to try to get down the stairs – hopefully there is a carpet spread on the entire stairs – very carefully. Of course, I could go tomorrow morning, when it'll be daylight and Charlie wouldn't mind my going for a ride but there was a full moon tonight, and I really wanted – and needed – to go now. Right now. I closed the window carefully and went toward the door, I managed to open it without noise and then began to go downstairs.

CHAPTER 2

Charlie's snores were so loud he would have more chance to awake by himself than being by the engine of my truck. I turned on the lights and raced to the direction of the forest, I was torn by two emotions: I wanted to go there, to feel him, to remember all those moments we spent together, the way he talked to me, explaining what he felt as a vampire and how he kissed me… His lips were so cold on mine, but all I could think about was he kissing me, that was like nothing I've ever felt before : my blood had been racing like hell in my veins, my heart went totally crazy and then he found the strength to stop. I could've died this day, and it wouldn't have matter that much. On the other hand, I feared going back there; will it be worse for me then? Knowing what I already knew, that we will never be together again in that meadow, that I'll never see him in the sunlight again… That thought of me without him made me feel sick, we couldn't be apart and yet we were, physically at least. Because I could feel him in every cell, every inch of my body, deep down in my soul; it has never been anything else, anyone else but… - no I couldn't say his name – anyone else but him. Was it the same for him? His eyes were so harsh when he left me, it couldn't be the same for him. He had told me he was too selfish to leave but he finally did, apparently for my sake… But how could I be sure of this? I had nothing left but memories now.

I was in the middle of nowhere now, really, so I took the map closer to my eyes and looked down at the compass in my hand; I was getting closer, if I was right, in approximately 1.5 miles, the meadow will appear in front of me. I rode forward and paid attention to the light around me, it was well lighted by the moon. This view of the full moon made me think about something creepy: if vampires do exist, could werewolves do? And were the legends right? Would they really go out during full moon? I shivered and tried to concentrate on the road again.

Suddenly, I saw a round where the light was brighter than in any corner of this dark forest; and then hit the brakes. I stopped the truck and get off, it hadn't changed in about a year, the meadow was still a perfect round, full of flowers, and I could see the moon perfectly ; it was awesome. For the first time in so many months, I was feeling some peace of mind. This place was so full of him, it's like it belonged to him. I walked toward the place where we sat and talked while I was caressing his hand ; this memory was almost too much, my knees couldn't carry my weight anymore and I collapsed on the ground, I wish I could cry but I'd been doing this so many times before than I couldn't anymore. His voice filled my head: _You didn't do anything wrong Bella, it was all my fault... I don't know how to be close to you... I was thinking there was something I wanted to try._

And then, I shook my head to make this now painful memory go away, he wasn't here anymore, he wouldn't take my face in his hands to kiss me anymore. I had to go back home. So I found the strength to get up and ran to my truck, so fast I almost fell. As I raced to home, I found myself feeling better despite the painful memories. I had felt him, and this made me feel good, I knew I would sleep better tonight, not to say well.

When I got home, and managed to go up to my room without Charlie noticing me, I felt exhausted, I definitely needed to sleep. I took off my clothes, put on a top and collapsed in my bed; despite the hole I felt every time in my stomach, I fell asleep easily.

The warmth of the sun gently awoke me, and I stretched myself to help me get up. I hope it was going to be a pretty good day because I was in a good mood and for once, I wanted to enjoy this day. Charlie has already gone to work as I went downstairs; I took a bowl, my box of cereals and some milk and ate slowly. I was thinking about my day, school of course and then I'll have to get Jacob back to La Push, he was in Forks helping a friend of his dad with a car ; I'll be pretty busy and it was good, it kept me from thinking too much. When I arrived at school, I saw Angela on my way to class and she smiled at me:

"Hello Bella! How are you today?"

"I'm fine, thanks Angela. How you doing?"

"Well, I'm ok. Tell me, I was thinking it's been a while we didn't hang out, would you like to spend an afternoon at my place?"

I felt happy by her invitation.

"Yeah sure, that'll be great! When?"

"I was thinking about tomorrow, ok? It'll be sunny moreover!"

Tomorrow was Saturday, I had some homework to do but it was ok, I could stop working for an afternoon at least.

"No problem for tomorrow, I'll come around 1.30."

Angela smiled at me to the ears and told me.

"That's great! See you later!"

She touched my arm and ran to her first class, Angela has always been nice to me and I know he used to appreciate her, so that meant I could trust her.

CHAPTER 3

The day spent a little slowly today but I couldn't complain, I've known worse. I was approaching my truck when I saw that Jacob was already there, waiting for me, leaning against the door. He grinned at me when he caught me coming.

"Hey, Bells, I've almost waited, you know."

I smiled and told him, as I got into the truck:

"So, I'm your driver today, do you mind if we go home first? I have to do something before; it'll take less than 5 minutes."

Jacob shrugged and said, "No problem."

It was so easy with Jacob, he could make me comfortable, and he perfectly knew he mustn't begin a conversation with his name. It was nice to be able to talk to him, he was my only friend, my best friend actually; and his dad was a very good friend of my own dad so it makes things easier. To be honest, I really don't know what I would become if Jacob wasn't there; and I didn't really want to think about it…

We arrived at home quite quickly, I stopped the engine and told Jacob: "Wait for me here, I'll be here in 2 minutes."

I wanted to give a present to Angela, to thank her for being nice with me, so I needed to check the address of a clothes shop in Seattle. I unlocked the entrance door and immediately went upstairs in my room. As soon as I entered the room, I felt my heart stopped. The scent of blood was everywhere in my room and then I looked up in horror and saw on the wall in front of me: _The bathroom_. It had been written with blood.

I shook my head in confusion, imagining Charlie or whoever, or whatever it was… Victoria. She came for me, she was there, in the bathroom, and she wanted her revenge.

If I could protect the people I love, I could do that, and anyway I already lost everything so…

I turned back, my heart racing, and went to the bathroom. The shower curtain was pulled whereas we usually let it open; that fact made me sick and I walked very slowly toward the shower, I had to know, I had to see her and let her kill me so she couldn't hurt anyone else. I opened the shower curtain quickly and my eyes caught who was in the shower; the last thing I was aware of was that I was running down the stairs, screaming like I never had before. A nightmare. This could only be a nightmare. I almost destroyed the entrance door and fell right into Jacob's arms, he was totally alarmed.

"What?? Bella? What is it? Tell me!!"

I wanted to tell him but I couldn't get the words out, I couldn't say it. Edward. Dead. Pieces. Burned. I could not make a full sentence with those words. I could only cry, hyperventilate and shout.

Finally, I managed to talk. "The bathroom… Jacob…" He seemed to understand and his eyes were wide with horror. He let me go and commanded: "You stay here, you don't move from here, be right back fast."

I let myself fall on the ground and all I wanted was to die, to die with him, to be with him again. I thought it was impossible to kill a vampire, there was no way he could have been tricked, and he used to be so strong…

Jacob went back on time. I got up and yelled: "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU KNOW IT, JACOB!! He told me it was almost impossible…" I didn't even realize I was crying, Jacob hold me tight and then I was in my room.

CHAPTER 4

It took me an entire minute at least to recover from the shock, I was in my room, it was Thursday, I got up to see the weather outside and it was cloudy and everything was fine. It was just a damn nightmare I wouldn't have thought I could have. I sat on my bed and cried all my tears for a long moment. He was fine, nothing was written on my wall above my bed and… I had to go to the bathroom, that sounded stupid but I needed to make sure. I went to it and saw that nothing was moved from yesterday evening. I sighed and leaned against the door.

I was trying in vain to get this out of my mind, to get rid of it or it was going to ruin my day, I washed my face with cold water and went back to my room to dress up. I didn't care much about what I should wear, I didn't need to be beautiful for anyone ; after I was done getting dress, I got downstairs with my bag and planned on going to school without eating because after this nightmare I really wasn't hungry. I put on my blue jacket and opened the entrance door and locked it, I looked up at my truck when something clear caught my eye. A car I knew so well was parked to the other side of the yard, a shiny Volvo S60; he opened his door and got off without looking at me. I had the feeling my heart had stopped for several seconds, I wanted to approach him but I wasn't sure what he came for. He stopped and finally looked up at me, I don't know what I looked like but his expression was almost astonished; my mouth fell open when he smiled at me hesitantly. Nothing has changed I thought. He was as incredibly gorgeous as the last time I saw him, his hair was still an attractive mess and I noticed his eyes were black coal, why hadn't he fed those last days? Why was he here? Why now? I had so many questions running through my mind, I couldn't think normally. And that made me do the most stupid and dangerous thing I've ever done, knowing he was thirsty; I let my bag fall on the stairs and ran to him. When my body hit his cold and stone body, it was like a shock – as if I had forgotten the hardness of his skin – I felt some peace when I felt his hold tightening around me, he mumbled my name with emotion and I suddenly was overwhelmed by too different feelings. I was happy above everything, but I was also angry, angry because he left and separates us whereas, even if he doesn't want to hear it, we are made one for another. I hold him tighter to me and then looked up at him.

"We need to talk Edward," I told him seriously.

A flash of worry went through his eyes and then, he nodded.

"You're right."

I took his hand and led him to the woods. He didn't argue and let me hold his hand until I felt him slow down. I turned back to see what was wrong and he said:

"Do you want to go to our meadow?"

My heart jumped – he certainly felt it – and I nodded. He took me on his back as he used to and ran so fast – oh crap, how could I forget this speed? – to our meadow; one or two minutes later, we were arrived. The place was as beautiful as in my memories except that there were no flowers, it wasn't the good season for it – contrary to my nightmare – he walked a little forward, looking around him, certainly feeling the same thing than me. I followed behind and began.

"Edward, I-"

He cut me immediately: "No, listen to me first please Bella."

I frowned a little, amazed by his rush, and then waited for him to begin.

"I don't know yet if I had made the right thing to come back and I'm not even sure where to start… But I feel like I can't exist without you anymore, I tried to stay away from you, to give you the chance to have a normal life but I'm definitely too selfish for this."

I listened without a word; I knew he wasn't done yet so I'll wait to say I wanted him to stay forever.

He took a deep breath and smiled. "You see, your scent has the same effect on me it had that first day we met. It's been too long and it's doing no good. I don't know if you found someone else, but if you do, know that I won't interfere." He looked down as he said this, he looked hurt and… exhausted?

I approached him and sat on the ground, where we used to before, he studied my acts and did the same. I took his hand gently, knowing what I was risking since he was definitely thirsty, and brushed it with my fingers. It still felt soft like silk and cold as ice to me, I looked up and said: "How could you think this? I may be only human but my feelings for you are totally insane, I could never ever find someone else other than you, I can't be anything without you." Did that sound persuasive enough for him?

"So do you want me to stay?"

"Of course, it's imperative." I smiled as I say this, and then he made his crooked smile and open his arms to me. I threw myself into them and hold him tight, it was so comfortable, so cool and safe; I wanted to kiss him, just a little, I didn't want to push him too far when he was thirsty – that made me think about a question.

"When was the last time you hunt?" I asked without releasing my hold.

"I drove for almost 3 weeks to come here, I was very far when I decided I wanted to see you."

It didn't really answer the question.

"Near a month."

This time I reacted. "A month?? Are you insane? You have to go hunting right now, Edward! Or you'll hurt yourself."

I was more worried about him being hurt than me being hurt by him. He watched me with surprise and put his hand on my cheek. He caressed it very softly; as he did the first times he touched me and approached his face to mine. I didn't know how to breathe anymore, it was like our first kiss; he put his lips against mine, just brushing them, to test himself I guess and then gently began to kiss me. I tried to not react like I had the very first time he did, but I couldn't help myself wrapping my arms around his neck and pushing him closer to me. To my biggest surprise, he didn't try to stop me or push me away; on the contrary, he pulled me totally against him and put my legs around his waist. That was just too much for my self-control, I didn't care about what could happen afterwards; I just wanted him right now. So I pushed him to me, make him lay on me. He didn't stop me from doing this, our breathings were fast and unbalanced, and he started to kiss my neck while his hand touched my waist and my belly, right under my clothes. And then, he suddenly stopped and got up, I got up too and told him: "I'm sorry, Edward."

He went a few feet away, taking deep breaths and then turned back to face me after a few seconds.

"No, don't be sorry. It's just very risky to do this. I don't want to hurt you."

I looked down, knowing he was right. I walked to him and took his hand.

"I can wait, go hunt for now. I'll just wait for you here."

He shook his head: "There's no way you're staying here alone, Bella. Go home, I'll come right after."

"Do you promise to come?"

He surely felt my doubt about him because he took my face in his hands and brushed my cheek with his own, which made me blush obviously. He then looked at me and smiled.

"See, I really missed this. I'm not going anywhere away from you Bella."

"You already promised once and…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Bella, I left because I thought it was what was best for you, I never thought that it would be so bad for both of us; I'm not leaving again, I will never leave you again. If only I could do something to make you believe me…"

I surrendered. "I believe you; I've always believed everything you told me, Edward. But you just have to know that I couldn't stand losing you again." I've never been so serious in my whole life as I was right now, he had to understand that I don't want to live without him, I don't want to feel this hole inside of me ever again.

He deeply looked into my eyes and kissed my lips, very softly. "I understand." It was as if he could've read my mind.

He grabbed my arm and put me on his back to take me home.

CHAPTER 5

Once at home, I went up to my room and decided to wait for him here. I opened the window and then took my cell; I forgot to ask Edward if everyone was coming back and wanted to call Alice to ask her.

After 3 rings, she answered.

"Hello, Bella!"

"Hi, Alice!" It felt so good to hear her melodic voice. "Mmm, you probably already know why I'm calling you…"

"Yeah, we're all coming back. You know, it all depended on your decision, whether you wanted Edward back or not; but of course, I already knew that."

I chuckled and then, asked her something I wasn't ready to ask Edward directly.

"Tell me, how was he?"

"Well, we didn't see him much these last months, he was going everywhere in the world, I couldn't really follow him. But this was a bad sign; it meant he was pondering a lot…"

"Ok, I see. Well, I hope I'll see you again very soon Alice, I missed you."

"Hey, I missed you too Bella, bye."

Her tone seemed joyful; maybe she's been having different visions, good visions. I wish I could ask her what she's been seeing from the beginning, but it was so subjective. It could change every time, she could see all the possibilities that could happen; it should be so frustrating to never know exactly which one would be true. I also wanted to ask Edward so many questions, I wanted to have the whole day with him and it seems like we could spend the whole day together and every other day of eternity, well at least, I'll try to convince him to turn me. When he left, I sometimes wondered if he really wanted me for eternity as much as I wanted him; he cared so much for my humanity, that was getting on my nerves actually: I'm so fragile as a human, much more than the average people because of my bad luck and clumsiness; I could also be killed by a car, by an illness or anything else… Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating but one day, it'll come and I don't want him to see me die because I know he would kill himself then. It didn't make any sense to me.

I didn't realize twenty minutes already passed when I checked my cell, he should be coming back very soon. I couldn't help myself feeling the dread he wouldn't, but as I thought this, he was entering my room by… the door. I sat on my bed, surprised, and asked him: "Why didn't you come in by the window?"

He stared at me like I was an idiot. "Bella, it's daylight. You got neighbours, you know."

"Oh, yes, that's true." I actually felt like a total idiot right now.

His eyes were golden-brown, and he was now staring at me deeply, with a fascinated look, as if I was the most beautiful thing in the planet. That made me dazzled – oh my god, it's been so long since he last dazzled me – and I had to breathe again.

"Would you sit with me?" I asked, almost shyly.

He did as I proposed without a word. We were now leaned against the headboard of my bed, our arms touching and we were looking at each other intensely. I've never been used to look someone in the eyes for so long, it wasn't human but it didn't really bother me as much as I thought. Finally, he broke the silence.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

His voice was low and, holy crow, so beautiful and soft. I was half-expecting that one. I looked down at my hands and hesitated. He saw it immediately, of course.

"What?"

"I don't know… Actually, I was thinking that I had so many questions for you but at the same time, I…" He would certainly sigh and refuse.

"You what? Tell me Bella."

I don't know where I found that courage but I looked him in the eyes and whispered. "Well, I'd like you to kiss me again." I was dreading his reaction, and waited.

He kept on staring at me for a while and then smiled. I felt my heart began to hammer when he touched my cheek slowly, I blinked several times, totally dazzled because he was still staring at me. He leaned toward me and I felt the coldness of his body on me, I moved so my body would face his ; his forehead touched mine, he kissed my cheek and then brushed my neck with his lips, back and forth, which could have made me faint if I wasn't so eager to enjoy the time with him. He stopped and then, caressed my hair as he was putting his lips on mine. The contrast between my warmness and his coldness was pure pleasure, I knew he could feel my blood boiling in my veins ; he gently traced the shape of my lips with his tongue and then, found his way in my mouth, caressing my tongue with his. This was not something really usual, and I reacted quite quickly. I hugged him closer to me, our bodies were now touching, I couldn't remember what day it was, nor my birth date ; I could only think about him and his scent on my tongue. He began to place himself on me, making sure he wouldn't crush me with his weight, I put my hands on his back, forcing him to stay on me. I thought he was going to roll on his side but he didn't, keeping on kissing me passionately; I put my legs around his hips and used all my strength to pull myself closer to him. He stopped kissing me then and removed my legs from his body, I didn't dare looking at him and I hope he wasn't mad at me.

"Ah, Bella, you're going to kill me one day you know," he said as he rolled on his side.

I laughed with humour and relief and took his hand.

"Tell me what you did during all this time." I wanted to know how he had lived without me around, where he was, what he did, everything.

"You'll tell me about you after?" he asked, unsure.

I nodded, frowning as I wondered why he had this edge in his voice.

"We have all day, right?" he asked me.

"We have forever."

"Forever," he agreed and then held my hand tighter.

/ The end \


End file.
